Well, you should probably watch this first before I go on a vicious rant about it.
Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the new advert from Lynx for their new citrusy deodorant. I'll quickly run through what appears to be happening in the advert. To begin with our loveable loser (or you- as the implication rides) is on a date with an attractive young lady. This is where the theme of the advert first comes out. For some inexplicable reason he begins to play peek-a-boo with the woman leaving her looking irritated and little bit thrown.
Fear not though, loveable loser! Conveniently there's a robot which just happens to be chilling out in the background just desperate to give you a makeover! Now, I know this character has clearly seen Flight of the Conchords more than he's ever seen anything else but there are lessons to be learned from 2001: A Space Odyssey; ROBOTS + SHARP IMPLEMENTS = BAD (took some license with that one, shut your holes). Anyway, the robot manages to change his look completely while his date tweets "LOL WANK" to her army of braindead followers, leaving him looking like a cross between a pervy geography teacher and a Topman mannequin. This is clearly what she's into and he gets to Stage 2: Walking Her Home.
OH! He's blown it again and she's opening the front door but have no fear. Here comes his trusty robotic stalker to change him into a quiffed tractor operator with a needlessly smug grin. He's back in and for some reason a sleeveless shirt and walking like a raptor just gets her rockin'.
Now here's the oddest part. Surely if she's got as far as asking him up to her flat, ostensibly for a damn disappointing evening, she wouldn't get bored with him and she doesn't. But oh no, the robot's been in the lift up with them and it's got something else on its mind. Our trusty hero gets something done to his naughty bits! Oh my word! How thoroughly hilarious! Her eyes light up, he looks at her like he's just seen a priest slide across a frozen lake and we're led to believe that he satisfies her until the morning light.
All well and good, usual Lynx staple. Until the voiceover kicks in and Gaz from the pub tells everyone at home that:
Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the new advert from Lynx for their new citrusy deodorant. I'll quickly run through what appears to be happening in the advert. To begin with our loveable loser (or you- as the implication rides) is on a date with an attractive young lady. This is where the theme of the advert first comes out. For some inexplicable reason he begins to play peek-a-boo with the woman leaving her looking irritated and little bit thrown.
Fear not though, loveable loser! Conveniently there's a robot which just happens to be chilling out in the background just desperate to give you a makeover! Now, I know this character has clearly seen Flight of the Conchords more than he's ever seen anything else but there are lessons to be learned from 2001: A Space Odyssey; ROBOTS + SHARP IMPLEMENTS = BAD (took some license with that one, shut your holes). Anyway, the robot manages to change his look completely while his date tweets "LOL WANK" to her army of braindead followers, leaving him looking like a cross between a pervy geography teacher and a Topman mannequin. This is clearly what she's into and he gets to Stage 2: Walking Her Home.
OH! He's blown it again and she's opening the front door but have no fear. Here comes his trusty robotic stalker to change him into a quiffed tractor operator with a needlessly smug grin. He's back in and for some reason a sleeveless shirt and walking like a raptor just gets her rockin'.
Now here's the oddest part. Surely if she's got as far as asking him up to her flat, ostensibly for a damn disappointing evening, she wouldn't get bored with him and she doesn't. But oh no, the robot's been in the lift up with them and it's got something else on its mind. Our trusty hero gets something done to his naughty bits! Oh my word! How thoroughly hilarious! Her eyes light up, he looks at her like he's just seen a priest slide across a frozen lake and we're led to believe that he satisfies her until the morning light.
All well and good, usual Lynx staple. Until the voiceover kicks in and Gaz from the pub tells everyone at home that:
"Women get bored easily."
You hear that girls? WOMEN get bored easily. YOU LOT! I personally can't believe it took me this long to notice that it's all girls' fault. Unless there's a different smell every five minutes you're all frigid bitches.
"Lynx Twist: The fragrance that changes"
Buy Lynx guys, it keeps those pesky wenches interested in case they suddenly see a shiny hubcap and throw themselves in front of a passing car. That's the last thing you need! Who'll take care of your needs if she's in traction?
So what's my conclusion then? If you're a sweaty, alarmingly socially-awkward, irritating boy so desperate to attract a woman that you'll conform to the sheer idiocy of a brand that constantly implies; 'Women: they're a bit shit unless they're sucking you off.' then I insist that you pick up a can of Lynx Twist, spray it on and inhale victoriously as it goes from smelling like sweat, to air freshener, to desperation and then finally and beautifully (for everybody else) shame as you're still too much of a prat to attract a woman. After all; failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
So what's my conclusion then? If you're a sweaty, alarmingly socially-awkward, irritating boy so desperate to attract a woman that you'll conform to the sheer idiocy of a brand that constantly implies; 'Women: they're a bit shit unless they're sucking you off.' then I insist that you pick up a can of Lynx Twist, spray it on and inhale victoriously as it goes from smelling like sweat, to air freshener, to desperation and then finally and beautifully (for everybody else) shame as you're still too much of a prat to attract a woman. After all; failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
0 comments:
Post a Comment