Yes, ladies & gentlemen I know the Super Bowl was last week but it takes a while for this nonsense to get its way over the Atlantic and then to disseminate to snarky bloggers like myself but it's finally here. The Fadvertisement guide to the Super Bowl.
First of all there's something you've got to understand if you've never seen the Super Bowl. It's all about the ad space. No-one cares about the game. Imagine taking the FA Cup Final and then having an ad break every 10 minutes and most of the action stops at that point. It gives the players a chance to wife-swap, or whatever it is that footballers do nowadays.
I'd like to thank Mr. Daniel Vergara for keeping me abreast of these ads. If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't be getting to read this. So I guess you can blame him.
First of all there's something you've got to understand if you've never seen the Super Bowl. It's all about the ad space. No-one cares about the game. Imagine taking the FA Cup Final and then having an ad break every 10 minutes and most of the action stops at that point. It gives the players a chance to wife-swap, or whatever it is that footballers do nowadays.
I'd like to thank Mr. Daniel Vergara for keeping me abreast of these ads. If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't be getting to read this. So I guess you can blame him.
TACO BELL - "It Rocks, It Rocks"
This is definitely one of my favourite Super Bowl adverts. As you can undoubtedly see for yourself the ad is an attempt to glitz and glorify a bargain box of what I can only imagine is food to eat yourself into oblvion with.
I do absolutely love the choice of former basketball player "Sir" Charles Barkley (UK readers may, or may not, remember him from Space Jam) as a spokesperson for this NBA-branded product. I'm not sure if it's the fact that he looks more uncomfortable in a suit than Nick Griffin or the image that I have of the 'NBA Five Buck Box' being surgically grafted to his hand by some over-enthusiastic production assistant which makes me enjoy the advert so much but then again, it could be the Keates-worthy poem which he recites as he takes a walk down the magical 'Parquet Road'.
Oh, I should interject into my own rant here and say that this product looks fucking disgusting.
Anyway, in typical Fadvertisement style, lets run down the chain of events. For a start we see Charles' massive face fill the screen before he starts on a mixture of poetry and... uhh... song. I wanted to say rapping but I'm pretty sure that would be an insult to even the very worst rapper on Earth. I'm itching to type out the whole 'poem' and tell you that my 3 year old cousin could do better but a) I can't be bothered & b) I'm not 100% sure she could.
I imagine the stage direction for this next part was 'nonchalant stroll' but our man Charles manages to carry it off like a constipated Velociraptor wearing its mother's nightgown. This is quite apart from the fact that he's just jumped into a locker only to emerge on the other side in some sort of West-Side Story version of Narnia.
I personally enjoy the convenient placement of a 'guy with dreadlocks' just as the poem calls for it. Thank god for that. Then there's a heartwarming appearence from the former members of the Pussycat Dolls who were culled just before the release of the first album and then onwards! To infinity! But no, not to infinity. To some sort of strange world where 'reporters' still use giant '50s style cameras and old men pontificate about tacos in exhange for cash.
Then one of the Lakers shows up. I'm pretty sure that's why it rocks but to be honest, I got lost in his eyes and missed the last few seconds.
BUD LIGHT - "T-Pain's Voicebox"
This one gets my goat for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's a blatant attempt by Budweiser to come up with something as memorable as both "Whassssssup!" and the "Budweiser Frogs" by using a celebrity with a broken Autotune program to endorse their product.
A couple of observations, I'm not going to go through the whole charade of pretending I care enough about this to make a full run-through of it. This character at the beginning decides that when his girlfriend brings home a giant six-pack of Bud Light it is his solemn duty to get the party started. Something in his eyes makes it look as if he was tasked by God himself to turn six bottles of Bud Light into a party. So he rings up his friends.
Important Fadvertisement Top Tip: Four guys drinking six Buds does not a party make.
His friends are right up for a party but presumably that's because they all appear to be living fairly mundane lives and think "Wow, that's one each with two left over!" The party begins with the six Bud Lights. No more beers appear to have been bought. Oh, what a night!
I'm not even going to mention those stupid voicebox things. It hardly seems worth it.
BUD LIGHT - "Light House"
Yes, Bud Light get in again for our last slap at Super Bowl advertising because this guy, this crazy character has made a house out of cans of Bud Light! What a card he is! What I truly don't understand is why, in an age where the world is so concerned about climate change, a company would just mock the whole thing. Oh, wait. It's America. Sorry.
They're not empty! Hurrah! Let's RIP THE PLACE APART. Can you imagine the construction costs to get a working lamp made of full bottles of beer?! I wouldn't be ripping it apart but suddenly, and in a theme for Bud, there's a full-blown party. Then a competitor for America's smartest man notes that there's Bud Light in the fridge. Made of Bud Light, no less. Well of course it's going to be made of Bud Light! It's hardly going to be the only thing in the house made of bricks and mortar is it? Patronising fucks.
There are a lot more and there were some really good ads from this years Super Bowl and you can find them all here but until next year, I'm going back to taking the piss out of British adverts.
I do absolutely love the choice of former basketball player "Sir" Charles Barkley (UK readers may, or may not, remember him from Space Jam) as a spokesperson for this NBA-branded product. I'm not sure if it's the fact that he looks more uncomfortable in a suit than Nick Griffin or the image that I have of the 'NBA Five Buck Box' being surgically grafted to his hand by some over-enthusiastic production assistant which makes me enjoy the advert so much but then again, it could be the Keates-worthy poem which he recites as he takes a walk down the magical 'Parquet Road'.
Oh, I should interject into my own rant here and say that this product looks fucking disgusting.
Anyway, in typical Fadvertisement style, lets run down the chain of events. For a start we see Charles' massive face fill the screen before he starts on a mixture of poetry and... uhh... song. I wanted to say rapping but I'm pretty sure that would be an insult to even the very worst rapper on Earth. I'm itching to type out the whole 'poem' and tell you that my 3 year old cousin could do better but a) I can't be bothered & b) I'm not 100% sure she could.
I imagine the stage direction for this next part was 'nonchalant stroll' but our man Charles manages to carry it off like a constipated Velociraptor wearing its mother's nightgown. This is quite apart from the fact that he's just jumped into a locker only to emerge on the other side in some sort of West-Side Story version of Narnia.
I personally enjoy the convenient placement of a 'guy with dreadlocks' just as the poem calls for it. Thank god for that. Then there's a heartwarming appearence from the former members of the Pussycat Dolls who were culled just before the release of the first album and then onwards! To infinity! But no, not to infinity. To some sort of strange world where 'reporters' still use giant '50s style cameras and old men pontificate about tacos in exhange for cash.
Then one of the Lakers shows up. I'm pretty sure that's why it rocks but to be honest, I got lost in his eyes and missed the last few seconds.
BUD LIGHT - "T-Pain's Voicebox"
This one gets my goat for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's a blatant attempt by Budweiser to come up with something as memorable as both "Whassssssup!" and the "Budweiser Frogs" by using a celebrity with a broken Autotune program to endorse their product.
A couple of observations, I'm not going to go through the whole charade of pretending I care enough about this to make a full run-through of it. This character at the beginning decides that when his girlfriend brings home a giant six-pack of Bud Light it is his solemn duty to get the party started. Something in his eyes makes it look as if he was tasked by God himself to turn six bottles of Bud Light into a party. So he rings up his friends.
Important Fadvertisement Top Tip: Four guys drinking six Buds does not a party make.
His friends are right up for a party but presumably that's because they all appear to be living fairly mundane lives and think "Wow, that's one each with two left over!" The party begins with the six Bud Lights. No more beers appear to have been bought. Oh, what a night!
I'm not even going to mention those stupid voicebox things. It hardly seems worth it.
BUD LIGHT - "Light House"
Yes, Bud Light get in again for our last slap at Super Bowl advertising because this guy, this crazy character has made a house out of cans of Bud Light! What a card he is! What I truly don't understand is why, in an age where the world is so concerned about climate change, a company would just mock the whole thing. Oh, wait. It's America. Sorry.
They're not empty! Hurrah! Let's RIP THE PLACE APART. Can you imagine the construction costs to get a working lamp made of full bottles of beer?! I wouldn't be ripping it apart but suddenly, and in a theme for Bud, there's a full-blown party. Then a competitor for America's smartest man notes that there's Bud Light in the fridge. Made of Bud Light, no less. Well of course it's going to be made of Bud Light! It's hardly going to be the only thing in the house made of bricks and mortar is it? Patronising fucks.
There are a lot more and there were some really good ads from this years Super Bowl and you can find them all here but until next year, I'm going back to taking the piss out of British adverts.
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